Missing You
by SidK
Summary: Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Has Beckett realised her hearts desires. A season 6 'what could be' one shot.


"When I was young I didn't understand, but now, I know, how absence can be present, like a damaged nerve, like a dark bird."  
_Audrey Niffenegger, The Time Traveler's Wife_

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The clouds always formed the most obscure shapes in the evenings. Big bundles of air moving steadily through the sky. It was better for it, the summer heat had slowly built up over the past few days and now it was almost an unbearable hindrance to everyone's day, not just Kate's.

Somewhere along the way days had merged into weeks and time had passed all too quickly. There were promises made and promises broken, but along the road there's always bound to be stones.

She stepped slowly, not wanting to make noise. Given the deathly silence coming from inside the loft she figured he probably wasn't home. It didn't make her feel any better; increased the unease if she was to be honest.

She still had the key he had given her all those months ago. Her stomach flipped at remembering the small yet abundantly meaningful gesture.

She had come home late for more days than strictly necessary, the case taking its toll on her mentally and physically. Every lead coming up short and no reliable witnesses. One night she stumbled in to her apartment and he was there waiting on her; how he had gotten in far too complex for to contemplate at that time. He had cooked dinner, run her a bath and let her sleep far longer then she wanted to. The next morning he pulled out a key to his loft whilst she ate breakfast and pushed it towards her over the counter.

_"My home is your home."_ He stated voice full of sincerity and love.

She was still so exhausted that the only words she could muster were, _"Thank you."_

A small sliver of light passed through his office door; _so maybe he was home_, she thought.

She walked towards his office, tentatively, because if anything Castle knew how to make an eerie atmosphere. Along with the silence, he had taken to leaving all the lights off, say for the small lamp on his office desk.

But he wasn't in his office, nor the bedroom; _their bedroom_.

She took her time, eyes adjusting to the rationed light, taking in all the small details. Nothing had changed since she last visited. As if time had stopped. The little post-it she had left him of a few groceries that had run out. The pen that fell off the desk when she sat next to him still lay in the exact spot beside the desk leg; and the little sorry card she had bought him for being late on the way to the loft still stood beside a framed picture of them.

She found him, on the little balcony through his office. Relaxing on that same lounger they had spent many evenings together on.

The first time she discovered it was a few weeks into their relationship. Castle had a bout of sudden inspiration and had taken to writing. Whilst he wrote she ventured out with a book and found the comfy lounger a good a place as any to relax.

She stepped out and leaned against the door frame. He had a scotch in one hand and what looked like a book in the other. He reading writing; she could tell, he had his eyes closed and head leaned back against the chair.

He didn't know she was coming tonight, it was supposed to be a surprise. Her current case resolved earlier than expected and she was given the weekend off so she booked the first flight back to New York.

She didn't know what to expect when she arrived, but what was in front of her wasn't new. He had taken to solitude over the last few weeks, possibly months, she had only noticed recently. A result of all the time he spent on his own. With Alexis at college, Martha away most days at the school and she was sure he was spending less time at the twelfth; probably because she wasn't there.

"Hey," barely a whisper leaving her mouth.

Castle startled, a little jump only visible to someone who's looking for it. Slowly he titled his head towards her, a small smile gracing his face as he relaxed before confusion took over.

Maybe she should have called before coming.

There was a breeze, be it small. It's ruffled his hair, making it stick up in unusual ways giving him an air of youth. With every slow intake of breath, it feels as if the fresh breeze cleared out some of the thoughts clogged deep inside her mind. Thoughts that she couldn't displace, not alone anyway.

Silent stars mark their presence behind shaping clouds. It isn't late, the sky glowing with shades of reds and oranges. The evening filled with its usual Ney York noises. The streets alive with passing of cars and milling of civilians. The unmistakable Tribecan atmosphere filtering in through with the air. Streets lights flickering in the distance welcoming the warm summer evening.

"Hey." He responds voice husky from hours of silence.

Confusion still clear in his expression but a small, relaxed smile makes an appearance as he scoots across, making space for her to join. He nods for her to take his offer and she does so without hesitation, bridging the gap between them almost instantly, folding her legs up beneath her. His arm winds around her shoulder and brings her closer, as if he couldn't get close enough.

"Thought you weren't coming till tomorrow?"

"I missed you." There's nothing more to it, she missed him and at the first opportunity she had flown straight back.

It's been almost three weeks since she last saw him, three weeks and no amount of phone calls of Skype messages could make her miss him less.

The light shifts from the late evening shades to the colours of night. She turns into him, nose nestling against the base of his neck. His scent surrounding her, the feel of his arm around her, the thump thumping of his steady beat, everything about him is a welcomed explosion in the pit of her stomach because this is home, this is what she wants. Late evenings curled up by his side, revealing in his being, in their being, bodies joint as if they were one.

"I missed you too." He whispers into the crown of her head. Warm breath mingling with the loose strands on her head.

She cants closer into him. A companionable silence falling over them. Both revealing in the moment. A moment in time where they can just be, the two of them, no one to disturb, no suspects to run down, know books to write, no family to negotiate, just them in this moment. And she wishes she could freeze time, to make everything stop spinning, hold on tightly so that nothing falls out the grasp of her hand. But that's a fantasy so beyond anyone's ability and she berates herself for letting her mind wander to such naïvety.

He's rubbing off on her, filling her with hopes and visions of what could be. She doesn't regret it. Not one single ounce. Everything that has been done and said, they were merely stepping-stones to a goal only a distance away.

The soothing patterns his fingers draw on her shoulder lull her into a restful calmness. That fog of clustered thoughts slowly easing. He's waiting her out because he knows there's a story but he won't push. He knows better than to push her.

But she won't hold it back from him. Not now that they've made it so far. Not now that everything they have is strung together on their being open with each other. It'll just take some time because she's not one with words, they're harder for her to wrap into comprehensible sentences when it really matters. But she knows better than to hold it back from him.

"I can't do this anymore." She whispers into the night.

His hand stutters before resuming its earlier rhythmic movements on her shoulder, "This...?" he trails, adjusting slightly so he can look at her.

"Running back and forth between two states, living like this. Rick I hate it." It's a silent plea and he hates hearing her so hurt, so desperate for answers that only she can find. There's little he can say or do because he knows this is something she has to work out by herself.

"you'll get used to it." He sighs moving his free hand around her waist.

She pulls back so she can see his face and she is momentarily speechless because the look on his face speaks more than a thousand words. It's love and wonder and support all wrapped up into one look. He's listening to her, he's letting her figure her thoughts out, he's giving her space but he's not leaving her. "No Castle, it's been four months and things still haven't settled down."

"Give it some more time, things like these just take some getting-"

She cuts him off mid sentence. "Castle I miss us, I miss the loft. I miss waking up to you every morning. I miss my Job...Rick I miss my home." She finishes look into his eyes hoping he understands but who is she kidding, of course he understands her. Its castle for gods-sake he knows her inside out.

"You know that whatever you decide I'll be by your side."

She shifts closer to him, resting her head on his chest again. They stay like that for a while It's dark now but the noises from the streets below haven't stopped and it's peaceful.

His fingers begin drawing their soothing patterns on her upper arm again and she feels herself relax into him. He kisses the top of her head and laces their fingers together with his free hand. And all the while she wishes she could stay in this moment for forever.

~ Fin ~

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Thank you for taking the time to read. I hope you liked it. All mistakes are mine as it is un'beta'd.

Reviews are always appreciated.

Usual disclaimers apply

Tumblr: agentbecket

Sid xx


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